If you like '70s comedy that doesn't involve a fat fellow in a working men's club being racist for money, you may well have come across the seminal (semen-al?) audio spectacular, Derek And Ciive Get The Horn.
Peter Cook and Dudley Moore respectively play the two sexually focusing lavatory attendants who spend their lives chatting about how everything 'gives me the 'orn' – the Queen's garden party, the Pope lying in state, the word 'and'…
As a comedy recording, this sort of chat is hilarious, but you probably wouldn't want to date Derek or Clive. Even the most compatible couples can struggle to sync their sex drives, thanks to work schedules, hangovers, brunch arrangements and the wrong kind of drugs . It's hard enough when you don't necessarily want sex at the same time – what do you if your partner wants it all the time, you don't, and you can't keep up?
Sex therapist Emma McMannon says 'Usually, your sex drive is very fluid, going up and down all the time depending on energy levels, stress, hormonal contraceptives and general health. But there's no "right" way to be – some of us need a lot of sexual contact to feel satisfied, and some of us need much less. As long as you feel happy and comfortable, there's nothing to worry about. However, when one partner wants it more than the other it can affect you both emotionally. If you have the lower libido, you worry about letting your partner down. If you have the higher libido, you might feel insecure and sexually rejected.
According to McMannon 'It's possible to make a relationship work when your sex drives are different, but it does require plenty of understanding, compassion and communication - as well as a little lateral thinking.'
So here's what to do when you want to love the one you're with, but everything in the world gives 'em the 'orn:
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Talk, talk, talk
My friend Sarah*, a 25-year-old marketing Assistant explains that opening up about her low libido almost changed her relationship overnight. 'I'd been having problems with the Pill, and I switched to the contraceptive implant. It made everything else much better – but my sex drive went down, and it hadn't been that high in the first place. My boyfriend was distraught, and every time he wanted a cuddle I freaked out in case it went further than I could handle.
We were on the point of breaking up, it was horrible. One day he broke down and said that he just really missed being close to me. Sex had become this big elephant in the room and he just needed to know that I was off sex, not off him.' Sarah explains that talking doesn't fix everything, but it does ease the tension a libido mismatch can create. 'To be honest, we're a long way off being back to normal, but now we can be proactive about our problems instead of slowly drifting apart.'
Make a sexual effort
Sex is a bit like pulled pork. Some of us will eat pulled pork at every opportunity, in every meal, on every sandwich, even if it tastes a bit like meaty tuna that has been rolled in the dust of some barbecue crisps. Others could go without it for months, but when they get to eat high-quality pulled pork at a swanky restaurant, maybe with some gourmet mac and cheese, they will really savour it, and chew every mouthful a thousand times before dabbing daintily at their mouth with a napkin.
They will sigh 'Gosh! That was delicious! I couldn't eat another bite!' and then do it all over again in six months.
If you know that you don't want sex/pork in the same quantities as your partner, you can make sure the quality is off the chain. McMannon says 'When you feel sexy, treat it as an event. Dress up, get excited and use it as an opportunity to build intimacy.' You can be as cheesy as you like . It's a way of showing, as well as telling, your partner, that you might not want sex as much as they do but you still think that sex with them is really special.
Do your research
Make your sex life into a science project. Introduce further reading – find out as much as you can about how the libido works, and get your partner to do the same. You'll discover a huge amount of conflicting information, and you might get more confused and bewildered as you go along.
However the goal isn't to become an A* sex scholar, or even to make your sex drives match. It's to increase your mutual understanding and empathy in order to respect and appreciate each other more, and to realise that there are a hundred thousand different places in which to stand on the sexual spectrum. And if you read that eating a whole clove of garlic will make you instantly hornier, give it a try! It might not work, but it will give your partner some insight into what it's like to not want sex with the person standing next to you.
Open your mind
To return to food again, let's think about Come Dine With Me . Specifically, the scoring bit at the end where one contestant says 'Well, she made lamb, and I don't like lamb, so I'm going to give her a four.' Now, no one is obliged to eat the lamb but also it's not really fair to make a judgement about someone's skills and abilities based on your own preferences. Ultimately we're trying to work out how everyone at the table can have a nice time, and no one is stuck with a goats' cheese tart they don't want.
So get online and see what the delicious alternatives are. If it's the penetrative element that you're not feeling, research some new sex toys and see if there's anything that you would both be comfortable experimenting with.
Raisha*, 28, who works in retail says: 'When I was stressed at work and my sex drive took a real dive, my boyfriend suggested we. just take all expectations off the table, and sex could just be the two of us in a room, kissing – and that really helped. Also, we talked a lot about masturbating, which was a bit weird! But it made me realise that he didn't do it because I wasn't enough for him – and it was a way for him to sexually express himself when I wasn't feeling it.'
Make like Raisha and encourage your partner to 'enjoy some solo play'. (Mind you, if they're still feeling horny after you've used the expression 'solo play,' their sex drive is higher than Snoop Dogg on holiday in Amsterdam.)
Sometimes you can't make it work
If you and your partner have very different sex drives, you can make it work, but it will be difficult. Ultimately, it comes down to priority and compromise. If your partner prioritises sex they need to be with someone who will do the same. If your libido is lower, it's really hard to understand how they can choose sex over you – but it might be equally hard for them to understand why you can't respond to their desires in a way that makes the relationship work. McMannon explains 'Sex is the ultimate collision of the physical and the emotional – and sometimes it's just not possible to make the emotional side of a relationship work when you're not on the same physical wave length.
'Sometimes, you do have to let the relationship go and accept that it was a learning experience. You can't force it to work – but as long as you've both done your best when it comes to understanding and accommodating each other, you've done a good job.'
By Lucy | NotRollerGirl
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